


Of autopsies and emotional constipation

by Cluck_and_Peck



Series: Write ALL the Hobbit AUs! [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bilba is annoyed, Brief mention of sexytimes, But not Thorin and Bilba's sexytimes, Detective! Thorin, F/M, Female Bilbo, Medical Examiner! Bilbo, Rule 63, Thorin is a grump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2015-01-19
Packaged: 2018-03-04 08:36:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3058424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cluck_and_Peck/pseuds/Cluck_and_Peck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin is a homicide detective who does not like changes. Like the new ME, for instance, who is far too adorable to be dissecting dead people and humming while doing so. </p><p>With Gandalf Gremaine as their Captain though, change is inevitable and so Thorin grudgingly accepts Bilba Baggins expertise. </p><p>But the humming has to stop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

The dark haired man with striking blue eyes, rushed down the halls, slamming the door to the morgue open with such force that it hit the wall before returning to its normal position. The wall bore a little dent from where the knob had struck it and it was a worn little dent in the plaster.

Detective Thorin was frustrated. He was often frustrated.

In fact, the precinct started off their days with crappy coffee in the break room and bets on whether Thorin would be frustrated or not.

Not a lot of people bet on ‘not’.

He went off to the side and put on the sterile gown and glasses and stomped over to where their new intern was bobbing her head along to the kind of music that he often heard on his nephew’s iPod. He hated that kind of music.

Within seconds he took her in and drew up a profile of her given what he saw. Curls tied up in a tight bun that seemed to be getting looser and looser right in front of him, colour: honey blonde, big bug eyes from the glasses she wore, colour: hazel, height: five feet two inches, below the national average, build: petite but curvy and a tendency to wear ridiculously bright colours in multiple patterns if the floral collared shirt in lime green peeking out of the lab coat was anything to go by.

“You there!” He growled and she looked up in surprise. Big bug eyes grew even bigger.

“Who, me?”

“Yes you, where’s your supervisor?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“The new ME, where is he?” He said impatiently. He wanted information on the vic and wanted it now.

Thorin deeply mourned the loss of Doctor Oin as the ME. He was a good sort, didn’t waste time and gave precise answers to questions. The fact that they had to shout to be heard by the old, slightly deaf man was a bit annoying but other than that the man was good. At least he didn’t let the interns hang around the morgue unsupervised. Hell, he never allowed interns anywhere near the dead bodies, period.

And then Thorin noticed the bloody scalpel in the intern’s hand, poised over the y-section cut into the vic’s chest, a sign that the autopsy had been conducted and drew a sharp intake of breath.

“Who gave you the authority to conduct autopsies unattended?” He all but shouted.

“Um but I-” She was interrupted when Gandalf Gremaine, captain of the precinct walked in.

“Ah hello there Thorin, I expected to find you here.”

“Captain, I’d like to file a complaint against the new ME.”

The intern squawked and tried to say something but went ignored.

“Oh?” Gandalf loomed with a gleam in his eye. Thorin’s frown deepened. “And what would the complaint be about?”

“It is against department regulations to allow interns to conduct autopsies unless supervised by the ME.”

“Ah. And where’s the intern who conducted this autopsy?”

Thorin wondered if Gandalf had gone senile in his old age. Then he wondered how old Gandalf actually was.

“Her of course.” He pointed at the intern who was still attempting to get a word in edgewise while Thorin shot down all her attempts.

Gandalf smiled wide. “Thorin meet Bilba Baggins, our new ME, Bilba meet Detective Thorin Oakenshield of the homicide division. You two will be working together quite often.”

 _“Her?!”_ Thorin could not think of a more incredulous situation except perhaps the time when Azog had pled innocent for all his multiple murder charges. “She’s a child!”

“I’m twenty seven!” The apparently not-Intern piped up. Name: Bilba Baggins, age: Twenty seven, Thorin added to the profile he was building in his head. Twenty seven, a mere five years younger than him.

“Bilba comes recommended from various quarters, she has trained in multiple disciplines including forensic pathology and is a psychiatrist as well.”

As she smiled and waved awkwardly at him Thorin continued to remain sceptical.

“I also practise as a cardiac surgeon at Imladris.” Thorin’s eyebrows continued their upward ascent as the level of the incredulity of the things he was being told grew higher. Practising surgeon at Imladris indeed, that was the most elite hospital in the country.

“I can’t work with a child.” He ignored her and addressed Gandalf instead but the man just twinkled his eyes again and smiled.

“I’m afraid you have no choice.” He said and turned to leave. “Welcome to the precinct Miss Baggins.”

Miss Baggins did not answer, too busy glaring at Thorin.

“Fine, what can you tell me about the body?”

“I could tell you so many things about the body that would fly over your empty little head but I _can_ tell you that the killer was six feet four inches tall, had blonde hair probably a wig walked with a limp in his right leg and wears size twelve shoes, brown wing tips.”

“Have you been going through the suspect list?” Thorin asked, suspicious. That was a pretty good description of the neighbour who had absolutely no reason to kill the victim but Thorin’s gut told him that was the guy.

“No, the bruises on the victim’s hip have the wingtip stitching pattern to them, that was after he’d been struck in the shin and brought down, so a crime of passion then, the trajectory of the blow to the gut gives us an approximate height, there was a strand of bloody synthetic blonde hair caught in the edge of the victim’s fingernail but preliminary results suggest the blood belongs to the victim.”

“And the limp?”

“There were also a few other bruises consistent with canings but on the shin, probably the first blow to bring the victim to his knees.” She glared at him again. “Now if you’ll excuse me I have other bodies to dissect.”

“Yes well I-“

“Goodbye.” She said firmly and Thorin realised that she was not going to budge. He’d seen that look o his sister’s face often enough and knew what that meant.

_‘I am furious with you but I’ll give you the time to run so that I can plan out your murder to be as painful as possible.’_

And since she was the Medical Examiner, she’d probably get away with it too.

Not for the first time Thorin cursed his mouth for running away from him. He stomped up to his floor, forgoing the lift to take the stairs instead hoping to work off his frustration. It did not work and he barreled thorugh the crowd of detectives and officers, all parting before him and exchanging money and went to his desk intent on ignoring what had just happened and focus on the case instead.

“Dwalin!” He barked and the bald man came out of the break room. “I want everything you have on the neighbour, right now.”

Dwalin sighed.

“Should never have bet on not frustrated.”


	2. Chapter 2

“I’m late, I’m late! So sorry!” Bilba Baggins cried out and the group of people crowded around the dead body parted.

“What took you so long?” Thorin growled and from the peeved look Bilba shot him (quite unlike the brilliant smile Dwalin received) she had yet to forgive him for their first meeting. Completely unfair really because that had been weeks ago and he had been quite civil to her since. Sure, everyone at the precinct had informed him that his idea of civil was not everyone else’s idea of civil but it was the thought that mattered, right?

“Had to assist Elrond in a bypass surge-Oh.” She stopped and hung her head as she saw the body. The Vic was a pretty girl, all golden hair and tan skin, except her neck which had bright blue black bruises from strangulation. “You’ll have to get Tauriel for this.” She referred to the ME for Thranduil’s precinct. Thranduil and Thorin often fought for jurisdiction and he was not happy that he would have to bring one of the blond bastard’s people in for this.

“Why?”

“I have a personal connection to the Vic and when you look into her, you’ll probably find me a suspect as well.”

Well that was a surprise. Still, Thorin did not believe she was the murderer. No, if Bilba Baggins killed someone, it would probably appear to be a perfectly normal death, perhaps put down to stress or food poisoning or an allergy gone wrong.

“You know Mrs-“ Thorin looked at the notepad where he’d jotted down the Vic’s name. It was much easier to name them dead woman or dead man in his head. “Precious Stoor?”

What a ridiculous name, no wonder he’d forgotten it. Who the hell names their child Precious?

“Yes we did our residency together, she was my best friend.”

“And why does that make you a suspect? If she’s your best friend-”

“ _Was_ my best friend. Until I caught my boyfriend and her doing each other in the on call room. That was a bit of a bummer.” She looked off into space. “Literally a bummer, she had a strap on on and she was doing him up the bum. Spent half my time wailing due to emotional exhaustion and the other half wondering what the strap on felt like.”

Dwalin spluttered on his shitty coffee. Thorin was glad he didn’t have such nasty habits of the caffeinated variety.

(It would have ended up his nose and he had a _very_ sensitive nose)

“Have to say not really surprised that she ended up murdered.” She stared dispassionately at the body.

“Why is that?”

“Well she just had a way about her. She was conniving and mean and manipulative but also charming. You’d never realise what kind of a snake she was until you were way too dependent on her. She had me isolating myself from my friends and family, even the boyfriend that she was-“

“Bumming?” Dwalin offered helpfully.

“Well yes. If I hadn’t caught them I would probably have followed her to the end of the world.” She made a face. “I judge myself.”

Thorin refrained from saying ‘We all do’.

See how civil he was being?

* * *

“Got something.” Dwalin said sitting down at Thorin’s desk heavily and handing him a file. “Smeagol Stoor, the Vic’s ex-husband, recognise him?”

“That’s Gollum.”

Thorin would recognise that reedy haired, bug eyed man anywhere. Back in the day when he and Dwalin were patrol officers assigned to the area commonly known as the Misty Mountains due to the pub in the area by that name that attracted a lot of riffraff, Gollum, or Smeagol as he appeared to be in reality, was a common fixture. They had first come across him assaulting a homeless man but it had been hard to get any of the charges to stick on him because he cut a deal with the DA. Thorin had almost lost a finger to the man, he’d nearly bitten it off in the struggle that had followed his arrest.

After that it was easy to get a warrant for Smeagol’s house, especially with Sir Sauron OBE, Precious’ current boyfriend breathing down the neck of law enforcement to find her killer.

The building super let them in and cautiously they trudged through the dingy apartment.

“Clear.” Dwalin called out and the team made their way in. “I’ll tackle the bathroom.”

“I’ll take the study.” Thorin’s phone beeped but he ignored it in favour of going through the journals that littered the desk. What he found was disturbing to say the least. Pages and pages, all dedicated to the women in his life. He had detailed all the ways in which he had been ‘wronged’ by them, starting with his grandmother who had apparently controlled him his whole life, going on to all the others he’d found just like her. Precious had been the last one, her leaving him for Sauron had apparently been the one to break the straw.

“Thorin,” Dwalin called out for his attention. “I’ve got a three month prescription to antipsychotics dated two months ago.”

“So?”

“It’s pretty full. He hasn’t been taking his meds.”

“Shit.”

Dwalin shook his head, putting it into evidence bags. “Man where did Bilba find this guy?”

“Maybe we should run background checks on all her exes.” Thorin joked. Well, mostly joking, he’d heard her talk about some Smaug guy she’d been seeing who was also quite an ass.

“You would like that wouldn’t you?” Dwalin muttered with a grin.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Thorin did not appreciate Dwalin’s tone.

“Oh come on,” Dwalin scoffed, “You obviously have a thing for her. You were practically swooning when she described how the body in the washing machine last week had been murdered.”

“I do not!”

“Yeah, right.”

Thorin was not in the habit of having a thing for people who hated his guts. Admittedly that was how all his relationships ended but certainly not how they started. Luckily his cell phone rang at that opportune moment and took his mind off of how he did not have a thing for the ME, not at all.

“I need you to pick up the kids from school on Thursday.” Dis said with no preamble. “And I know you’re testifying at court that day and you can’t stay long, I’ve already arranged for a babysitter but she doesn’t have her driver’s license yet.  Just pick them up and drop them off at home, bye.”

Thorin stared at his phone. Why were all the people in his life so crazy?

This thought was only confirmed when he found himself staring at the message he’d gotten twenty minutes ago from Bilba.

_‘Sorry Thorin, can’t meet you for dinner today, something’s come up. Raincheck?’_

 That was strange.

“What’s strange?” Thorin hadn’t realised he’d spoken out loud.

“I got this message from Bilba.”  He handed his phone off to Dwalin who read it and then proceeded to look between him and the phone in unabashed astonishment.

“You two made plans?!”

“What, no! The woman can barely stand me!”

“But it’s pretty specifically for you. I mean, it even mentions you by name.” Dwalin was as confused as Thorin was.

But in front of him was a journal by a man she’d once been seeing, a man who had dedicated pages to how much he hated the women who had ruined his life and dots were connected.

Less than fifteen minutes later Thorin and Dwalin skulked outside the townhouse where Bilba lived. Through the window Thorin could see Gollum pacing the floor, a knife in his hand, apparently missing from the knife block in the kitchen and Bilba was sitting calmly at the kitchen table pouring out two cups of tea.

Dwalin stopped Thorin from breaking down the door, instead picking up a rock from the Japanese style garden and pulling the pieces apart to find a hide-a-key. The door was soon opened and they snuck into the house silently.

“Freeze!” They said and Smeagol who had just been taking a draught of the tea slammed the cup down and put the knife threateningly at Bilba’s neck, pulling her head back by her hair. She made one sharp sound of pain but otherwise calmed down, her breathing hard and fast but not erratic.

“Don’t come any closer or I’ll-” Before he could complete his sentence his eyes rolled back into his head and he dropped to the floor.

“What took you so long?!” Bilba said and sat down at the table while a medic checked on Smeagol. “Don’t worry, I just slipped him a little something. It took a while to take effect but his pacing helped.”

“You drugged him?!” Thorin put his gun away while officers examined and catalogued the scene.

“Had to, didn’t seem like you picked up on the hint.” She said with a pointed look.

“So you sent the text to Thorin as a hint?”

“Well it made you guys suspicious right?”

Great, the ME thought it was so unlikely that she would ever have dinner with him that she used it to send them the hint that a crazy guy was trying to kill her.

“The animosity is completely uncalled for, I have been nothing but nice-“ Thorin was interrupted by a loud bark of sarcastic laughter.

“Nice? That’s you being nice?” She scoffed.

“Actually that’s him being _really_ nice.” Dwalin said and one of the officers putting the dregs of tea into an evidence bag also spoke up.

“He even wondered if you’d eaten something last week when we’d all been pulling the all-nighter for the mob hit.” She said. Thorin checked the nametag (Ori Renaud) and glared at her.

Bilba looked at him carefully. “Really? That’s really sweet actually.” Thorin flushed but said nothing. She shook her hair back. “Alright then, since you’re apparently being nice, we’ll have to start over again. I’m Bilba Baggins.”

“Thorin Oakenshield.”

“So, now that the case is closed can I come back to the precinct and dissect more people? I heard on the scanner that some body was found killed in a ritualistic manner!”  


	3. Chapter 3

It was strange, Thorin thought to himself as he stepped out of the elevator and into the pristine white of the morgue, how someone he’d known for so less a time could have become so important to him. Dwalin had even taken to teasing him that Thorin had replaced him with Bilba but the teasing had stopped when Thorin hadn’t denied it. Unsurprising really, Dwalin had a jealous streak a mile wide but it had only taken a few days for the jealousy to settle into something completely different, something Thorin couldn’t quite put his finger on.

He didn’t like it.

Bilba was nice. Strange but nice and she was the only one who understood and even shared his obsession with their work.

He drew closer to the morgue and heard singing and stopped in his tracks. At first he had thought Bilba was a bad singer but then he’d simply realised that she had terrible taste in music.

“-ninja of the night, ninja of the night!”

Thorin blinked. He thought he was getting used to the strange musical preferences of the ME but he wasn’t.

That woman was just strange.

“So, can you tell me what’s the murder weapon?”

“Sharp pointy object but while the tip itself is sharp, the sides were blunt. And I found traces of –“

“No chemical formulas.” Thorin put down his foot.

“But-“

“No.” Thorin was firm on this. Although Bilba believed she was broadening his horizons by telling him long chemical names that made no sense to him, all they really did was give him a headache.

“Fine, it was nail polish.”

“...So a nail file.”

“I guess so but I’m running a few more tests, it looks to be a gel nail and if I can get specific with it I might be able to narrow it down to a few salons but the system’s backlogged. They're processing all the evidence from that narcotics bust, it’ll take some time.” She shrugged. “Hey, what’s the best restaurant in town? The last time I lived here was three years ago and things have changed a lot.”

“Quarter House, I guess.”

“That’s the place on Fane Street right?”

“Yes .Why’d you ask? Hot date?”

“No! Just...asking.” The answer was vague enough to raise Thorin’s suspicions and it took him everything in him not to ask her some follow up questions. “So Quarter House huh? But I guess it must be hard to get reservations there on short notice.”

“Very hard.” Dis had spent hours complaining to him about it. Apparently Vili and she had reservations for that very night but her flight had been delayed and she wouldn’t be making it home on time. So of course her solution to that was to set Thorin up on a blind date there. Of course.

Little sisters were the bane of men all over the world, Thorin decided and sagged.

* * *

That thought repeated itself when he found himself driving to the restaurant a few hours later on the worst first date in the history of first dates and it hadn’t even started yet.  She hadn’t stopped talking since he’d picked her up at her place and it was a very annoying sound.

“So where are you from?” She asked.

“Erebor I-“

“Oh I’ve been there, it’s a bit of a ghost town like place though isn’t it?”

“Well-“

“And the food was a bit weird too, I mean what is up with all the sausages, can’t a girl just get like a salad or something?!”

“Actually that-“

“Ooh have you ever been to Rohan?”

“Yes and-“

“The smell of horses is just everywhere isn’t it, I mean I felt like I was in a freaking stable!”

The chatter didn’t stop while he was parking the car. Or while they walked the few feet to the restaurant. Or when they finally made it inside the restaurant. It was a nice place, classy and sophisticated and quiet. Very romantic, he could see why Dis wanted to be here. Unfortunately in the quite classy environment, his date just seemed louder and more brash.

“Reservation under the name Thorin Oakenshield.” He spoke to the maitre d’ who shot him a sympathetic look as she continued talking.

“Thorin?” He whirled around at the call from behind him, hand instinctively reaching for his gun which he realised too late wasn’t there and found himself face to face with Bilba in a pretty green dress looking at him in shock and amusement.

“Umm Bilba? What are you doing here?”

“I’m here with my parents.” She gestured behind her to where an elderly couple was sitting a bit away and Thorin catalogued them.

Woman, in her mid-fifties. Tight curly hair, held away by an Ereborean headscarf, colour: dark brown, eyes shaped exactly like Bilba’s, colour: hazel, build: petite and toned, used to doing a lot of hard work.

Man, in his late-fifties. Loose curls, colour: honey blond and greying at the temples, eyes made bigger due to round glasses, colour: brown, build: paunchy but hands held delicately, used to doing more  careful work.

“But it takes ages to get a reservation here, how’d you manage-?”

“Oh I looked up the website and found that an old friend was the head chef. Just called in a few favours and-” A cough from his date had the conversation grinding to a screeching halt. “Oh am I interrupting?” She said in an apologetic tone and turned to his date.

“Kind of.” His date said with a thin smile. “Thorin who is this?”

“Oh this is Bilba, she works with me at the precinct. And Bilba this is-“ He stopped and realised he had no idea what her name was. From the sharp glare his date was throwing at him he knew he’d be paying for it just about now. “I want to say Betta?”

‘Betta’ was not pleased. “I’m Eilin.”

“Betta was the Jane Doe from the poisoning.” Bilba said helpfully.

“Oh right, the illegal immigrant with the blue dress.”

“You remember the dress a dead girl was wearing but not my name?” Eilin fumed.

Bilba rushed to his defence. “Well in his defence the blue dress was the reason we closed the case. It belonged to the murderer, he had an obsession with the Arthun line of dolls and he custom made it for her and then poisoned her before preserving her body using a cocktail of embalming fluids but the preservative process destroyed some of the evidence it was quite a hard case.”

Eilin’s face had been turning red but suddenly took a turn and turned green instead. “I’m going to leave, I don’t feel well enough for a date with a person who doesn’t remember my name and works with dead bodies.” She all but ran out the door and Thorin might have danced for the glee he was feeling.

Bilba frowned, her eyes tracking his former date’s movements. “That was rude. What’s wrong with working with dead bodies?” She turned to him, apologetic. “I’m sorry.” Bilba said, hanging her head while Thorin was smiling for the first time in days.

“Don’t be, if anything I should be thanking you.”

She tilted her head sympathetically. “That bad, huh?”

“The reason I didn’t know her name was because she didn’t let me get a word in to ask for it.”

“I know people like that.” She said sympathetically. “Wait, what am I saying, I am one of those people!”

“You’re not _that_ annoying.” Thorin teased, amazed at his own ability to do so.

 “Miss Baggins,” The maitre d’ interrupted. “Your table is ready now.”

“Oh thank you and...Thorin would you like to join us?”

“Oh no, I don’t want to interrupt.”

“No you wouldn’t be interrupting just-” The maitre d’ cleared his throat and they moved away and Thorin noticed her mother looking at them and raising a suggestive eyebrow. He flushed and tugged at his collar while Bilba made introductions.

“Thorin these are my parents, Belladonna Took and Bungo Baggins. Mum, Dad this is Thorin, he’s the lead homicide detective at the precinct.”

Belladonna smiled charmingly and Thorin had the feeling of being judged. “Yes, Bilba was just telling us about the little incident with Smeagol, I understand you’re the one she sent the message to. She must trust you.”

Thorin laughed nervously but Bilba shrugged. “I knew he had my back.”

Thorin wished he had a way of telling her that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him without sounding like a sad desperate man. But despite his silence her words appeased her mother and they relaxed a bit.

“Well I hope this place is good, I’m starving.” Bungo Baggins said and Thorin could not help the snort.

“Best of luck with that, the food takes ages and when it does come it’s bite sized.”

“Thorin!” Bilba exclaimed, aghast.

“What?”

“Why would you tell me that this is the best restaurant in town then?!” She chided him. He didn’t understand women, he really didn’t.

“Dis said that-“

“I didn’t ask Dis, I asked you!” She rolled her eyes.

“Well there’s only one thing for it.” Belladonna said gravely. “You, young man, will just have to drive us to the place you think has the best food.”

“Ah sure?” Thorin said confused.

She nodded. “Excellent, now I’m going to go get my coat, Bilba come with me.”

Thorin was left standing there, confused, with Bilba’s father.

“She likes you.” He said kindly. “Woman’s crazy, she likes scaring the bejeezus out of people. But she likes you, don’t worry about that.”

“Umm okay?” Thorin wondered which woman he was talking about. They both scared the bejeezus out of him.

 


	4. Chapter 4

“I’d forgotten how much fun going out can be. It’s all down to the company I guess.” Bilba sighed.

Thorin was unused to being good company. _Very_ unused to it. “How bad was the company you had before?!”

“Well I usually hang out with my surgeon friends from the hospital days and they try not to talk about patients because ‘I wanted a break from work not to keep on working’ and what not, whereas I can’t help but talk about all my corpses. Which I have only just realised is a weird thing to say but yeah. I love my job why shouldn’t I talk about it?”

With a laugh Thorin turned to watch as Bombur's diner was turned into an impromptu dance floor by Bilba's parents. A jukebox in the corner that hadn't worked in years had been fixed, a suitably funky rock song had been chosen to play and Bungo Baggins and Belladonna Took were having so much fun that others had joined them. In the corner booth Thorin sat next to Bilba, her pointy shoes had been kicked off and her feet were up on the seat, carefully placed on her cardigan and Thorin's damned uncomfortable suit jacket was thrown over to the side, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up.

He hadn't had this much fun in years.

“So, your parents. “

“My parents.”

“They’re quite sprightly for their age.”

“You mean my mom is, my dad just goes along with it I guess.” She shook her head looking at the two fondly.

“Tell me about them.”

“Well, mom’s an archaeologist. She used to go off on digs a lot but now she teaches at Hobbiton University. Dad’s a doctor.”

“Is that why you became an ME?”

“Yep. Dad was a GP back in the village we lived in and Mom would go off on digs all the time. I was a very sickly child, needed a lot of medical attention and Dad homeschooled me. They’re both intellectuals so I got  a head start in academics you know. One day I finished reading all my books and Dad had gone off to do a  round and I snuck into his shelves. Found his medical books. Dad was horrified, he thought for sure I’d be traumatised but I was just interested, you know?”

“I can see you reading medical books. Creeping people out.”

She threw her head back and laughed. “Oh yes, so many times. I remember one time my cousin had come over to play and I made him cry by telling him how a scab forms when he skinned his knee.”

“But why go into forensics? Why not a normal practice?”

“What is a normal practice anyway? Plus I get attached which isn’t very healthy in my line of work. Much better to work on already dead people.” That sounded like something she would say.

She looked at him tilting her head. “And you? What made you become a detective? Wait, wait, don’t tell me, you played cops and robbers as a kid and decided to do it for real.”

Thorin smiled but his grip on the bottle tightened. He could remember like yesterday when he’d stumbled upon his grandfather at the edge of the field where they had the annual civil war re-enactments. He was playing the role of the lookout who sounded the alarms and they were just done with their first rehearsals when he’d found him. “My grandfather was murdered.”

Bilba spat out her drink and coughed furiously. “Holy shit!” She managed to say once she could talk again. “Did they find out who did it?”

“There was a serial killer at the time who hadn’t been active in some time but it had all the marks of his case. They got the bastard but...”

“But?”

“My father was convinced otherwise. He was certain this wasn’t the serial killer and he spent every waking moment poring over the case, trying to find the real killer.”

Thorin hadn’t seen Thrain in years, not since he’d left a note saying he found something and then never returned.

“And you? What do you think?” Bilba’s eyes looked luminously green in the soft yellow lights and they were boring into him.

Thorin shrugged and leaned back, running a hand through his hair. “I think something about the case feels off. I can’t put my finger on it but just...something.” He laughed, a dark chilling sound. “But I might be biased. I was the one who found the body after all. Well part of it.” He amended.

“...Part of it?”

He smiled wanly. “That was the serial killer’s signature. He cut off their head.”

Her eyes grew so impossibly wide Thorin almost laughed.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” Thorin didn’t say anything, glad for her hand pressing his, anchoring him to the present. “If you want, I can go over the ME’s files?”

“You’d do that?”

“Of course, anything that might help.”

“It’s an old case, seventeen years old.”

“Well a fresh pair of eyes can help.” She shrugged.

“Thank you.” He said those words very few times and meant them at even fewer. This time he meant it.

“What are friends for?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ME-Medical Examiner  
> GP- General Practitioner


	5. Chapter 5

“Hey Thorin.” Bilba said and Thorin and Dwalin put their poker game on hold.

Thorin frowned when he saw how jittery Bilba was, none of her usual calm and ease. She was holding herself too tightly, a knot in her forehead and her fingers were restlessly picking at her handkerchief.

“Hello lass, care play a game?” Dwalin points at the stash of jelly worms they were using as stakes. “If you win the pot you get a gummy bear.”

“Actually I was wondering if I could talk to Thorin, are you free right now?”

Thorin wondered why she would possibly ask him that when he was in the precinct playing poker with Dwalin using jelly worms as poker chips.

“Why Doctor Baggins, are you asking me out on a date?” Dwalin choked on his coffee when he heard Thorin teasing her but Thorin was unconcerned. They had closed the case and finished the paperwork in record time and he was feeling good.

“Okay first off, Doctor Baggins is my Dad and he would never ask you out because Mom has dibs” Dwalin choked again. “And this is important.”

“What’s it about?

She took a deep breath and her brow knotted. Not even when she’d been standing over the dead body of her former best friend had he seen her so perturbed and that worried him. “Your grandfather’s case.”

Dwalin couldn’t suppress the sharp intake of breath while Thorin had stopped breathing entirely.

“You know I don’t think we’ve had a proper initiation ceremony for Bilba here.” Thorin said, abruptly changing the subject only it wasn’t so much a change of subject as a code, one that Dwalin understood immediately.

The bald man stuck two fingers in his mouth and whistled loud. “Oi Captain!”

Gandalf leaned out of his office cocking a sceptical eyebrow. “Yes?”

“Poker night at your place, Little Bilba’s getting an induction.”

Gandalf’s face cleared into blankness for a brief second before a look of joviality was upon it.

“Miss Baggins, you’ll finally get to meet the Company.” He said and Bilba smiled at him confused.

“Um...alright?”

“We’ll talk then.” Thorin added and her brow smoothed out into a look of understanding.

“Cool.”

* * *

Hours later, Thorin stalked the large living room, nervous.

“Aww, it’s like you’re waiting for your prom date!” Dwalin teased but the way he was flicking his pocketknife spoke of a watchfulness. Thorin ignored the man and continued wearing a path into the carpet.

“What do you think she found?”

“I don’t know I’m not -“Dwalin was interrupted by the ringing of the bell and Thorin opened the door, almost falling over in his haste.

Bilba stood there shifting form one foot to the other and peered around nervously.

“Come in.”

“Umm thank you.” She shrugged off the coat and as Thorin caught sight of yet another green dress, this one lime green with flamingos printed on it, he wondered where exactly she was finding all of them. Dis had complained for weeks about not finding a good green dress for the Eco themed ball she had to attend for work.

“Ah, Bilba there you are.” Gandalf appeared, a pipe in hand looking every bit the proverbial country peerage.

“I had to sign some paperwork.” She said by way of explanation and took a seat at the sofa. “So umm whom am I meeting?”

“Right, you already know Dwalin, this is his brother Balin from the narcotics division, Bombur and Bifur who run the diner and their cousin Bofur who’s CSU, Oin was the previous ME and Gloin is his brother, he works in the finance division, Nori and Dori work Robbery and Ori has just joined the force and is currently a beat cop.”

“Hi.” She waved a nervous hand. “I’m Bilba.”

“Pleasure to meet you, lass.” Bofur smiled flirtatiously only to stop when Thorin frowned at him.

“They all know about my grandfather’s case.”

“Okay. Right. Umm if you wouldn’t mind me asking, how?”

“Well Dwalin and Balin are my first cousins once removed, Gloin and Oin are second cousins thrice removed, Nori, Ori and Dori are  fourth cousins once removed and  Bifur Bofur Bombur are actually childhood friends.”

“...Okay.” Bilba had grown no less nervous and in deference to her state, Dori insisted upon brewing a cup of chamomile tea to calm her down before they began. It took two cups for her to stop shaking and then when she was finally relaxed Thorin began.

“So what did you want to tell me?”

She took out a file and gently spread out pictures on the oak table.

“Well the ME’s notes state that the subject was beheaded first and then stabbed haphazardly as is fitting with the rest of the victims.”

“But?”

She pointed at one particular stab wound. “This was the real killing wound. A sharp knife in the gut and then twisted, that’s the first blow. Then the beheading and the stabbings, the angles were off and by the time his head was cut off blood had already started clotting. This was staged to look like one of the serial killer’s victims. There was nothing random about it; this was murder in cold blood.”

“What?”

“And that’s not all, when I noticed this I looked up the ME who was working the case.”

“And?”

“And turns out he died two fifteen years ago, that’s two years after your grandfather was murdered. And according to the articles I read, the trial ran for about one and a half years until it was closed.” She looked over at everyone who had clustered around her at the table “Well that’s interesting isn’t it? That the ME should make such a conclusion, stay alive up until the trial was over, the evidence had been given and the case had been sealed before ...dying.”

“How did he die?” Gandalf asked.

“Hit and run and before you ask the driver was never caught. The traffic cameras couldn’t get a hit off the license plate because it was covered with a specific kind of lacquer that makes it so that if anyone tries to see the number from any angle other than head on, the light bounces off it causing a glare.”

“This was all set up.” Dwalin growled.

“All loose ends neatly tied, the serial killer was caught, the ME that was presumably bribed to bury the evidence died and the killer though he got away with it.” Balin summed it up.

“Until now.” Thorin said through the unpleasant taste in his mouth.

“Until now.”

Bilba ran a hand through her hair. “Look right now, we have enough cause to reopen the case but I’m not sure we should.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well after I found this out, I went online and looked the case up on some online message boards and a few websites where they discover conspiracy theories. I’ve never worked a beheading before and I just thought that reading an open discussion, no matter how crazy, would help, you know? And somebody mentioned Khazad Dum.”

“The land we own in the Misty Mountains Range?” His grandfather would tell him lots of stories about Khazad Dum, of large halls and a city built underground. Fairytales Thorin had always thought them.

“Used to own. Now according to all my research, your grandfather had made some bad investments which left your fortune a fair bit diminished.”

Thorin frowned. “But it wasn’t that bad, not until my father-“

“Spent almost all of it in trying to find your grandfather’s killer and then ultimately you had to sell your land, right?”

“Yes, about ten years ago.”

Bilba took out yet another file, this one bulkier and laid out its contents: pictures, news articles and printouts all over the table.

“Now the main reason Khazad Dum caught my eyes was because I remembered it from a conversation with my Mum. She said that that particular mountain is under a lot of controversy right now because while the Uruk group wants to start mining there, they’re being held off by activists who insist that Khazad Dum is an archaeological discovery and should be declared a cultural heritage site which would mean handing it over to the government for protection and we all know that the Casari government takes conservation of heritage sites very seriously.”

“What are they mining for?”

“No one knows because they’ve been conveniently mum about it all but according to some unnamed sources, mithril.”

The table erupted into whispers.

Valued at one hundred time its weight in gold, mithril was the most rare and costly metal in the world and a mine fo it would fetch billions in revenue.

“Yes, supposedly ti is the largest source of mithril in the world which translates into a lot of money. The kind I can’t even imagine.”

“The kind you could kill for.” Thorin understood.

“Exactly but they didn’t expect the kind of resistance they’re getting now.”

“Resistance?”

“Dain Ironfoot. Heard of him?”

“He’s my cousin actually.”

Her face contorted comically.“Seriously? Dwalin’s a cousin, Balin’s a cousin, Dain’s a cousin, Oin’s a cousin, how many cousins do you have?”

 “Can we get back on topic please?”

 “So, Dain Ironfoot. Not only is he a activist, he is a rich activist with lots of connections. He’s even managed to get the Quendi involved because Khazad Dum was supposed to be a city built by both their ancestors. And he’s the owner of some land in the Misty Mountains near the Khazad Dum area where he found actual artifacts dated five thousand years back! It’s been touted as the greatest discovery of the millenium.”

“So my grandfather’s murder...it was over property?”

“Yes and...no.”

“what do you mean?”

“There are/were about twelve major landowners of the Khazad Dum territory. Of them, Dain is alive and fine, four others sold their stake and the others ...they died or were killed, at this point the exact number isn’t definite. But those deaths were completely run of the mill. One of them was killed in a hit and run, another had a heart attack, the other an allergic reaction, one was a mugging gone wrong. All of them mundane but your grandfather was special. His murder must have been planned ages before it happened and its gruesome nature was completely unnecessary. I mean just of the top of my head, knowing the bare bones of his timetable I can think of fifteen different ways to kill him and none of them involve any hands on work at all.”

“That’s scary.”

“It’s the truth, he was a well known man, a big personality, he went to the diner a street down on every Thursday without fail after which he took a  walk in the forest, there’s one route that can be used extensively. But instead of a quiet calm murder, his head was cut off and placed in a way that his grandson was the one to find it. That screams personal.”

“We need to reopen the case.”

“No you really, really shouldn’t. This was personal remember.”

“I can’t just sit here and do nothing.”

“I never said do nothing but don’t make it an official investigation. They’re probably watching you and your every move to see if you’re getting close to finding out the truth and these are dangerous people Thorin.” Suddenly she began cursing softly and chewing on her fingernail. “So I’ve gone a bit off track.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well explaining all this has taken up a lot of time and I haven’t managed to get to what I really wanted to tell you at all, I mean it’s the main reason why I’m here, I thought you’d want to know it but then I got so muddled up in explaining all this meaningless stuff and-“

Thorin stopped her mid ramble, landing his hands upon her shoulders and stilling her. He looked her in the eye and she finally stopped twitching.

“Bilba, what did you really want to say?”

“Well all this aside, there’s another reason I wanted to talk to you. When Khazad Dum was first mentioned I thought it was strange you know? I mean whoever this person was they would have to know the case and the people fairly well because no one else was discussing this and this person just up and disappeared, even though things were getting really good in the discussion board, you don’t throw a bomb like that and not stick around to see what happens, right? My mom had some issues with people stealing her research so she learnt coding and stuff, she’s really good and well I got her to trace the IP address. It traced back to Mirkwood but not just any part of Mirkwood, South Mirkwood.”

“That’s the place through which everyone launders their money right?”

“Yeah exactly so I looked up his last known time stamp and cross referenced it with the police records and the news reports. I found this.”

She gently laid down an article from the South Mirkwood chronicle that talked about a man acting berserk in a public area. According to the article he had then been taken into police custody and after that sent to Dol Guldur, the local psychiatric facility. There was  a picture along with the article of a man in cuffs being lead away and his face had been blurred but something about him seemed familiar to Thorin a sentiment echoed by Dwalin who thought that person looked familiar.

“So I gained access to the file of this guy and under distinguishing marks there’s an eye wound listed along with a mole on the back and a birthmark on the inside of the right knee. Sound familiar.”

They did. Thorin’s father had a wound and burns along the left side of his face form he’d carried Frerin out of a burning building. Frerin hadn’t survived and Thrain had been left with scars and an eye patch for the rest of his days. Dis would pretend that the mole on his back was a button and press on it to ‘turn the robot on’ and Thorin had a birthmark just like Thrain did under his knee.

“That’s my father.” He breathed out.

“And _that_ was really wanted to tell you. I found your dad and sent over some papers of...questionable legality sanctifying his transfer to Imladris hospital and...well he’s there right now in the psychiatric ward.”

Thorin could not hear anything but the sound of blood rushing to his ears.

“My father?”

“Yes.”

“Here?”

“Yes.”

“In this city?”

“Yes. I can release him into your custody if you want.”

It was a good thing Thorin was sitting down because he was feeling curiously dizzy. He dropped his head into his hands not quite able to grasp this.

He stood up suddenly only to stalk over to Bilba making her retreat with a squeak.

“When we first met, I said you were bound to be trouble. That you would screw up everything and we would never have any medical evidence to back up our findings, that you would be nothing more than a drain on our resources.” Thorin took a deep breath and looked Bilba straight in her teary eyes before sweeping her into a hug. “I have never been more wrong in my entire life.”


End file.
